The Poop Story

Every Parent has a poop story to tell, I think it’s like part of the becoming a “proper parent” initiation. Don’t get me wrong I’ve had my fair share of shitastrophe’s in my time as a parent already. Many an outfit has been binned as it’s gone beyond saving, we almost contemplated binning the car seat once, but it cost a bundle and with a heck of a lot of cleaning it came out fine. Anyway, when it comes to Maisie it’s been a while since we had a poosplosiondue to her pretty much doing adult poo’s these days (still won’t try on the toilet much to my upset at the foul smell and mess at each change though).

This morning as I was on the floor with Luna I was occasionally getting the odd whiff of poo, I did the cursory bum sniff and check but nope, nothing, so I figure one of them is crop dusting the area and probably working up to a little brown treat for me.

I pop Luna in her Jumperoo and stroll to the kitchen to make a tea, followed by the snack demon, who I send off on her merry way with a banana to keep her quiet for a while so I can tidy up a bit.  10 minutes goes by and I hear Luna really straining, now Luna struggles a bit with constipation so I get her on the change mat on the living room floor and undo her nappy to give her a bit of room to do her business, and cheer the kid on to do her business (not how I envisaged parenthood but when does it ever live up to the picture in your head). With some good pushing and my cheer-leading she gets the troublemaker, I congratulate her like she’s just said her first words and it’s “Harry Potter” or something. As I reach for the wipes I notice bits of banana all around the mat which have started browning nicely (you can see where this is going), I sort Luna out and pop her on her play-mat and set to picking up the bits of banana, muttering under my breath as the floor has been really REALLY thoroughly cleaned yesterday. I think I’ve got all of it when I notice another slightly bigger bit on the floor, perfectly rounded, as I pick it up I realise it’s quite hard and it doesn’t look like banana, in fact it looks like shit, I stupidly take a sniff. Yes, yes I am holding a perfectly round marble of shit. I had even squeezed it to begin with amazed at how hard that bit of banana was before the horror dawned on me. It’s at that moment Maisie jumps on my back whilst I’m half bent over kneeling on the floor inspecting actual faeces in my hand and the poo goes flying out my hand and rolls along the floor to under the sofa, I panic and am reaching under the sofa for this little brown ball of horror. After a frantic few minutes I have retrieved it, very firmly (maybe shouty in my panic) told Maisie to get back and go in the playroom while I dispose of the “poo poo”.

I have of course cleaned the whole area, but I don’t know which kid was the ninja pooper and how and when did they do it? I feel it must have been Maisie as Luna is at this point still in a sleepsuit so how the hell would it escape that? Also how did it get out of the nappy and get so perfectly round? Did Maisie roll it like play doh? Was this before or after her banana? I feel sick, I don’t want to know, yet I do. I am now fearful of what lays ahead when Maisie decides she will properly try potty training, in fact I may go on a little holiday away and leave her to daddy!

I’m also out of wine, it’s a bad day all around.

Do you have a poop story? I would love to hear it!

The scene of the crime