The Start of this Week 

Being on mat leave married to a husband who works random shifts I tend not to get Sunday blues anymore, I don’t often get a case of the Monday’s in fact I quite look forward to them in some aspects because going places tends to be quieter unless it’s the holidays (I dread when I join that group). 

However the start of this week has not gone exactly to plan, if you follow my social media (especially insta-stories) you may have a gist of it. It went so absurdly wrong that you have to laugh, so let’s start with Monday; 

Monday 

Monday this week was my mum’s birthday, we thought it would be nice to go for a walk at Keasrney Abbey, take the dog, let the girls have fun in the playground (ok mainly Maisie) and maybe get a nice cup of tea from the café on our walk. We arranged to meet there at 10:30, google maps told me it was a good half hourish away, I managed to get everyone out the door and in car seats at 10:08, which for this family isn’t too bad, albeit we were still running late which I hate. In-between john sorting the boot of the car to fit the dog and double pushchair he informs me one of the tyres on the pushchair is flat, we decide it’s fine we’ll quickly inflate it when we get there and hope it holds out for the walk. I then get contacted by my mum to tell me that Junction 10 is queued back due to an accident, so I now know we will be even later. John hops into the drivers seat and starts the car, except it doesn’t turn on, he tries a few times until the car won’t even turn over. My car which just went out of warranty last month. John has a look under the hood, pulls his car around and jump starts the car(all the while I’m sat in the car with a whining dog, crying toddler and screaming baby, yaaaaay), I tell him to put the jump leads in my car just in case, and we’re away, 20 mins later than we should’ve been. No sooner have we gone about 50 yards when we notice a warning light on the dashboard, we pull over, john looks it up and informs me it’s where the battery needs to recharge, and as if by magic, we pull away after a minute and it disappears after another 50 yards. The good thing about our delay is that the Junction is now clear, yey. 

Every Twunt and his mother is out on the motorway, doing that thing where they drive really slow then speed up when you go to overtake, or suddenly overtake back like it’s cat and mouse. I will add, at this point Luna is way overdue her morning nap, we fed her just before we left hoping it would lull her to sleep in the journey but the screaming/waiting time in the car seems to have supercharged her.  

Just as we approach the tunnel past Folkestone, we hit a big old traffic jam moving at a snails pace, which incites more angst from the small one and lots of annoyance from the bigger one, Maisie is of the belief the slow moving is because our car is broken so she starts saying “come on car!” And gets further frustrated when the car does not leap to full speed.  

Luna is getting more frustrated but we’re finally through the jam and moving again, which is when we think we can smell poo, not to worry we will change whoever has done it in the car when we get there. 

We finally arrive, extremely late for our walk, I head off to find my mum with Maisie and Pumba while john is left to deal with what I am told is a very close shitastophe. Pumba meanwhile is pulling my arms out of their sockets trying to befriend other dogs and go and chase ducks, Pumba is a classic Marley and Me Labrador, which is the very reason I am hesitant to let him off the lead, however I can bear the arm stretching no longer and we have walked away from the ducks so I risk it, all is well, we are having a grand time until I hear a shout of “PUMBAAA” from john walking across to meet us, I got so wrapped up with watching Maisie with my mum I forgot about the pissing dog who is now running full pelt towards the duck pond where some mums and their toddlers are feeding the ducks, we are now both yelling “PUMBAAA” and sensing the danger in our voices and by some miracle of God the dog hits the brakes just before the pond and comes running back to go straight on the lead. 

Being distracted watching this gorgeous girl

After our walk we decide to get drinks from the café after John informs me he has not yet had a drink today, I offer to buy drinks and decide to be organised and dig my purse out of the change bag befoRe I go into the café, except I can find neither a purse or a wallet, because we both forgot to put one in.  

Luckily our drinks were bought for us, as John and I have a small bicker over whose fault it was, feeling embarrassed. After that the day wasn’t too bad apart from Maisie having a powernap in the car on the drive home meaning she absolutely completely refused a nap when we got home, oh and Luna did not nap either of the drives nor on the walk, will of steel that kid. 

 

Playing peekaboo with Nanna

Tuesday 

On Tuesday we decided to go to Polegate (on the outskirts of Eastbourne) to see his mum and sister in their café (again, check my social media, the food and drink is delish) and to pick up a pushchair we had won on eBay that John’s mum had kindly picked up for us. We didn’t set a time to leave that day which was great as there wasn’t a massive rush, although we did leave quite late, John the asks Maisie if we should go the back roads or Hastings, she picks Hastings which quite honestly was a poor choice as we got stuck in lots of traffic and the weather was awful so we couldn’t even admire the sea really. Again, Luna has yet to have a morning nap and has been fighting it and whingeing a lot of the journey so far, just after Hastings, we hit such abominable traffic it takes us a good 20 mins or so to go 2 miles. By this point Luna has lost her shit and Maisie is crying too, the only thing that calms Luna is me stroking her (which breaks me at such an awkward angle) or me singing to her, unfortunately, my singing often enrages Maisie so it’s a choice of sing and calm Luna but have Maisie cry, break my arm and stroke Luna but have Maisie cry to stop touching Luna or ignore both and go to my happy place, I did a mix of all three, I’m not going to lie.  

Whilst in traffic John and I are discussing if we can smell poo or not, it’s not too pungent so we decide not to stop at the services once through the traffic because it’s either outside, one of the girls have wind or it’s just a little poo.  At this point, John and I admit to each-other neither of us has had breakfast today and it looks like Maisie is not going to be sleeping anytime soon so I crack open MY emergency pretzels that I now have to share. 

We eventually arrive in Polegate, the weather is about 2degrees, its ridiculously windy and raining and we have to walk down to the café it is at this point as I lift Luna from her car seat the brown aroma hits me like a ton of bricks, as it has done her clothes, we have a nuclear shitastrophe or epic proportions, luckily for us, Johns sister lives above the café so we kind of run down holding Luna awkwardly at an arms length and casually ask to go upstairs trying not to upset the customers. It’s as we’re going upstairs it dawns on me, I’m almost certain I forgot to replace the emergency clothes in the change bag or top up the nappies. My bad feeling is correct, luckily after rooting around we find 1 nappy but no clothes, not even Maisie’s, Luna’s poo leaked through two layers, the only thing not hit is her cardigan and bib, so we pop those on her and wrap her in a blanket. Now if you don’t know Polegate, I’ll spare you some excitement, there isn’t much there in the way of shops, especially not the type to sell baby clothes, so John now has to drive towards Eastbourne to Sainsbury’s which is the nearest shop to get more nappies and spare clothes. Maisie is off her face on excitement at being with family again and Luna just wants to show everyone in the café her chubby legs and nappy while I’m trying to keep her covered, partly to hide the crap mum failing as much as keeping her warm! 

I cropped out he bare legs under this 😉

However John did eventually return (I did wonder if he would just drive off into the sunset never to be seen again) with two gorgeous outfits for the little lady and we had such a delicious lunch, with the scrummiest cake in the world, plus we got our new pushchair. On the drive back, Maisie eventually crashed out for a while so John and I snuck out the chocolate to share which always feels like a win when you don’t have to share with the kids. Luna, slept for approximately 20 minutes before starting the song of our people, Maisie woke shortly after we finished the chocolate and the rest of the journey home was interspersed with wailing, chatting and the very occasional (beautiful) silence.  

 

Since those two days I haven’t found mentally strong enough to go out in the car with the kids again 😉  

Oh and if you’re near Polegate, pop in to the Cherry Tree Eatery, you will thank me for it later, especially if they have apple crumble cake in!

The kids do at least seem to approve of the pushchair

10 Reasons why Peppa Pig is the Absolute Worst

When Maisie was first born, John bought these books on how to raise an intelligent (emotionally and intellectually) child, one of the big things he stipulated was no TV before 2. HA HA HA, that rule quickly went out the window when I fell pregnant with Luna, thankfully, our main channel was CBEEBIES, I didn’t bother with the other channels, I knew of Peppa Pig and I had read so many bad things about her in forums that I knew to avoid her.

I have to admit these days we are more disciplined with the TV unless ill, we only have it on for the last part of the day if at all, however, if I have failed to get up and showered before the kids are up in a morning (which is often because I value my sleep too much) I often let Maisie be babysit with Youtube on my phone while I have a quick shower when Luna is napping. Unfortunately for me, my darling husband once let her watch that pig and she is now obsessed. I used to be able to palm her off with the slightly more educational “Andy’s prehistoric adventures” but no, all she will watch is Peppa. I like to think i’m pretty patient with kids shows, for instance, I’ve grown accustomed to Mr Tumble, I have managed to clock out Bing’s constant whining (Bing is next on my hit list) but I cannot stand Peppa Pig, here is a list of reason’s why it’s just terrible;

  1.  Pedro Pony, he is a fudging liability, he’s late to EVERYTHING, loses EVERYTHING, and is just a bit useless, the other week I learnt he had broken his leg and was in hospital and Peppa and her class were going to visit him, imagine my disappointment it wasn’t a glue factory.
  2. Daddy Pig is a bloody moron and quite frankly seems incapable of pretty much anything, ever, I could list too many things for why he shouldn’t be allowed his kids.
  3. The Doctor, seriously, one kid just has to sneeze and they call the doctor, who comes in a bloody AMBULANCE to give some medicine?! Can these adults not work out to what to do with a cold without the need of a flipping Doctor?! At the very worst call the pharmacist, gee whizz.
  4. The Vet, first off, no one ever seems to get billed by the vet which as we know is BS, second off, she has a seaplane which she uses to go out to a gecko in the mountains Edward Elephant has found (who is apparently a clever clogs) that is sick, except he isn’t sick hes just stuck on his back, I mean really? First of all, Edward is a moron, not a clever clogs if they didn’t even try that, second of all, I hope the vet bills them a ridiculous amount of money for calling her out for that, and how many vets have planes to get to sick animals in this Country?!
  5. Miss Rabbit, I don’t understand how Miss Rabbit does all the jobs and just so happens to be working that particular one when Peppa comes by, what if someone needs her in one of her other jobs but no she can’t because she’s selling George an overpriced balloon his moronic grandpa will lose.
  6. Sizing, all the animals are the same size! since when is an elephant the same size as a hamster?! ridiculous!
  7. Pets, why do some animals not make the cut to be treated like the rest of the animals on Peppa Pig and merely get downgraded to incoherent pets? who decides who is what? This is something I’ve also questioned on Hey Duggee (which I do actually like) and Bing but it annoys me most with this.
  8. The storylines are ridiculous and there is very little educational value from it, at least when shes watching Mr Tumble I can pretend to myself she’s learning sign language.
  9. My biggest Pet Peeve, the sexism! All the girls wear dresses and play with dolls and pick flowers etc etc, the boys play football, play with dinosaurs etc, Peppa’s best friend Susie sheep wants to be a nurse, but why can’t she want to be a doctor, and a boy character a nurse (that’s not me hating on nurses by the way, they are amazing and not well paid/supported enough). It’s all very old fashioned role wise and it drives me potty, I’m trying to raise my girls to believe they can do and be anything they want so long as they work hard for it, and then you have these shows that just kind of enforce stereotypical gender roles and I just want to scream!
  10. Finally, the crappy merchandise, it’s everywhere and overpriced for absolute crap, which obviously my kid wants, then there’s Peppa Pig world which I will probably give in and take her to at some point and pretend I’m having a great time when all I want to do is bonk that ungrateful rude little, phallic head shaped pig in the nose.

So that’s my main issues with that pig who is well overdue a visit to a special house to be made into a nice bacon sarnie for me to enjoy whilst we watch something else on TV!

Oh and to add insult to injury my husband LOVES Peppa, sometimes I question our marriage, he also just read this and pretty much defended every point, anyone have a number for a marriage counsellor? 😉

God you’re annoying.

The Sudden Realisation

It’s dawned on me very recently that I am ageing, now I know what you’re thinking, well duh we all numnuts, BUT I mean in more specific way;

I’ve always been a bit middle aged, I was the more sensible friend, yes I have done some wild things in my teens (crazy piercing anyone?) and early 20’s but those were on the rare occasion and were harmless, but mainly I have been the boring more sensible type, mainly because I’m a worrier and I like to prepare and plan where I can, so the idea of getting older hasn’t bothered me because in spirit half the time I’m there.

I sound really fucking boring now don’t I? I guess in some ways I am, but I am very imaginative and creative plus I have a great dirty mind (with jokes before someone sends me their weird fantasy, although it would probably make me laugh) which I think helps balance the boring/sensible out!

Gloriously youthful!

Back to my epiphany, I have noticed more recently in my photo’s and selfie’s I’m beginning to get wrinkles! Shock horror, My hair which hasn’t been dyed since I fell preggo with Luna is a bit of a dull colour and I fear may be slightly greying?! *Get’s messages saying “oh you didn’t know?!”*

It’s not just the physical signs though, when my kettle broke the other day (if you don’t see my Insta stories you obviously missed out on a treat there!) I went round to so many shops to find the right one, now younger me, would’ve bought a pretty one made by a reputable brand and that would have been that, but here’s the thing, I’ve had all those brands and none last very long, a lot of the pretty design ones break too easily and are impractical. I very nearly bought the coolest kettle in Curry’s reduced from something like £80 to £30 BUT it felt flimsy as fudge, that won’t do me and my teas, so I went around handling these kettles and I bought a LOGIK one for fairly cheap because it felt sturdy it felt like it wouldn’t fail me like my last kettle had done (the bastard), oh and reviews looked good too! So that’s one way I’ve gotten old. *Not an ad for LOGIK, so far Larry the kettle has lasted one week and I’m pleased with him but it’s early days guys!*

Welcome to the family Larry

Today was my most recent revelation, on a playdate with my best one Egg and her gorgeous boy, we found ourselves deeply discussing Lidl, the price of meat there, the problem with parking at our local one and maneuverability and the random shit aisle you can never stay away from. But mainly how much everything cost, we were talking about boring grown up stuff and genuinely getting a bit overexcited about the bargains we’d had, her especially telling me all the meat her husband got for £x the other day. I promise this isn’t an ad for LIDL because the bastards also put a bloody Moana magazine at Maisie height when I was in there so guess who got mugged off £3.99! That was like the price of my bottle of wine and I know I’ll savour that wine more than the kid will her chuffing magazine, she can’t even bloody read!

Then Egg’s door went and it was a man (I use the term man loosely here), he had come to do a quick home inspection and neither of us could be believe it because he looked about 12! When did we reach that age that people doing proper legitimate jobs look so young? The thing is with my best friend, we may be married with kids but when I’m with her I feel like that same sixth form student messing around in drama rehearsals again with her. I’ll be honest we were both reeling at that point, that maybe we aren’t as young as we used to be.

Another more youthful me sans wrinkles 

So that’s my recent revelation, I’m no longer that young 20 something with elastic skin on a trim body trying to work out how you are a grown up, apparently, I am a grown up now?

So I’ve panic bought some wrinkle cream, and decided that maybe I need a “fun” new dress or something to show the kids I’m still hip hop, see I’m totes down with kids 😉

Curse you wrinkles!